As a speech major in college my professors were always pushing me to choose words that accurately communicated the thoughts I put forth. One careless word could place the entirely wrong picture in my hearer’s mind.
Each profession, it seems, has its own vernacular way, with pet phrases, acronyms, and alphabet soup. Whats more, as complex as the English language is, it is sorely wanting in some situations.
So when the nurse called me late Friday afternoon to schedule a follow up appointment to my heart stress test, her choice of words left me a tish befuddled. She said she was calling to tell me that “there were abnormalities in my test results that facilitate additional testing.” She politely told me I needed to come see the doctor soon, and that until I did I should avoid any strenuous exercise and anxiety. She said that either the doctor or a nurse practitioner would go over the results with me and answer my questions when I came in for the appointment.
“Abnormalities that facilitate additional testing.” It almost sounds like additional testing is something I wanted or could look forward to. With my engineer’s mind I thumbed through the cobwebs in my gray matter to remember facilitate means to make easier, or less difficult. It means to free from impediment – to make something possible. So after I hung up the phone I’m sitting there thinking why in heaven’s name would I want to make having more tests easier or possible. I don’t want any more tests. Yet the nurse sounded like she was bringing good news. “You’ve won the lottery!”
It turns out that doctors use a different dictionary than engineers. Facilitate in the Medical Dictionary means “to increase the likelihood, strength, or effectiveness of…” So, translated, the abnormalities in my stress test results mean it is quite likely additional testing will be required – and that the additional tests will be effective. One might say the additional testing will facilitate some procedure or repair – that that may facilitate healing – and the healing may facilitate feeling better and restored health.
Now we are getting somewhere. Perhaps the nurse should have just skipped all the middle parts and told me “there were abnormalities in your test results that may facilitate feeling better and restored health!” That sounds much more like “you’ve won the lottery!” than what she said. And she could have skipped the part about anxiety altogether.
Alas, back to reality: heart stuff is important. No one likes hearing that there is something amiss with their heart. I certainly don’t. I’m not too worried about death. Pain, however, is a terrible mistress. Convalescing in dependency on a caregiver is not my cup of tea. And as for the medical tests: I’m sure someone stays up late at night trying to figure out how to make them more intrusive, embarrassing, and more difficult in general. I mean you have to wonder how in the world someone thought of some of the concoctions, posing positions, and/or physical intrusions used in today’s modern medicine. And why can’t one of them figure out how to create a gown that ties in the font and covers your bum?
Well, there ya have it for today. I’ve been facilitated. I can’t wait to hear what’s next.
A heart beats about 100,000 times every day. That’s 35 million times a year and 2.5 billion times in an average lifetime (whatever average is). With such a large number of beats you would think they’d all get meshed together or lost in the crowd. As it turns out, though, we can all find the single most important individual heartbeat out of the 2.5 billion beats in less than a second. The most important beat is the next one…
